In 2007-8, when we had a difficult time as a family I would sometimes find my husband sitting listening to this song, with tears running down his own face… just listening and crying.
His cousin (aged 28) was killed in the 7/7 bombings. She was sitting in the carriage where the bomb went off and there was no chance of survival. There was nothing anybody could do.
Her parents asked for none of us to talk about her and I’m not going to here except to say that she was an extraordinary person (you could read more in her memory https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12011102) and that she is still missed.
This piece of music, for me, is one which has helped, since then, to deal with any difficult situations. Until I decided to write this I didn’t even know what the lyrics were. ‘I will try to fix you’ was the only phrase I remembered. There was absolutely nothing that could be done. The fire had literally ignited her bones. And yet… we wanted to fix it. We really wanted to fix it. This song tuned in with that longing and that helplessness.
We all want to fix it… for those we love, for the world. This Covid-19 pandemic has reminded us of our vulnerabilities as a human race. We do feel ‘stuck in reverse’. We also want to fix other people… and really we can’t.
In films those who are called ‘fixers’ are those who are known to be people who claim to do this and always come undone. They are not the ones with real power but the ones who try to convince others that they are! For me it is turning out to be a life-time’s work to learn that only God can help people truly fix things in their own lives.
‘Fix You’ will always remind me of those traumatic experiences (of hearing The News, of realizing it was our family’s news, of the funeral, of trying to support others through bereavement) but since then, the song has become one which helps me with other sadnesses. Until I started to write this I didn’t know that the song was performed at the benefit concert ‘One Love Manchester’ – dedicated to the victims of the Manchester Arena bombing in 2017… but it does not surprise me. The music itself is healing as it brings the tears which register the realities of sadness and make the beginnings of real change possible. We can then begin to look for the ‘lights which will guide us home’
At Helen’s funeral the vicar, who was a friend, mentioned that Helen had supported him after a difficult funeral he had to take for a child, “She said to me: ‘In tragedy, it is never God’s will. God’s is the first heart to break and God is the first to shed a tear.’”
The Holy Spirit (and its work) is infused throughout Creation; it does not just exist in the bubble of the Christian Church. At its most dramatic and obvious it is released and shown in the work of artists – musicians, painters, movie directors, writers, poets and all creative people.
So we come to the song ‘Solsbury Hill’ by Peter Gabriel. A little background. The rock band Genesis formed in 1967. They gradually became very successful and were poised for massive success in 1975. It was at this point that Peter Gabriel, lead singer, decided to leave the band. In his first record he expressed the intellectual and spiritual feelings he had in the lead up to, and moment of, leaving the band and taking a huge risk with his career.
He himself says that it all came to him in an epiphany whilst standing on Solsbury Hill. Little Solsbury Hill is a small flat-topped hill; the site of an Iron Age hill fort located above the village of Batheaston in Somerset, England. The hill rises to 191m and is a place of outstanding natural beauty.
Peter Gabriel is not a Christian; a man of indeterminant beliefs. But everything about his ‘epiphany’ shouts of the Holy Spirit at work. The language in the song walks hand in hand with much of a Christian’s awakening. In the closing stages of the recording Peter gives himself over to shrieks and noises which pour out; he moves beyond words to express the intensity of his joy and depth of feeling. Much like St Paul in 1 Corinthians: 14 (read it here) the song achieves a balance to words and speaking in tongues.
Like the song, the Bible has itself also uses the metaphor of the eagle for God at work giving strength:
Isaiah 40:31: “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint”.
So, taking the song from the start and leading through its revelation, call to action and decisions made.
“Climbing up on Solsbury Hill I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing, stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom, boom, boom
Son, he said, grab your things I’ve come to take you home.”
Peter experiences what many Christians also feel; a voice, that of God, the doubt of what one is hearing, the physical response of the body (the heart). The message; “You are being offered a new way, a new life, a new home that you were always meant to have.” The feeling of an experience out of time and this reality while one is still standing in this reality.
“To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Till I thought of what I’d say
And which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom, boom, boom
Son, he said, grab your things I’ve come to take you home.”
Like many of us, there is not an immediate acceptance; the invitation is just too overwhelming and counter-intuitive. Like many a Christian, Peter keeps the revelation to himself. He knows that to tell others would be to provoke a pushback and incomprehension. Many, many Christians find telling their family and community about a new-found faith and revelation extremely hard. Not the least because most people will view them very differently from that point and even consider them ‘a nut’. Anyone who accepts the Spirit is “turning water into wine”. There is a leap of faith into a Creation where miracles happen, where intuitive responses to the Holy Spirit stretch every nerve, spark imagination and demand we act in opposition to what the secular world says it correct and in our best interests. So much has to be given up to actually let the Spirit guide us. But the Holy Spirit keeps repeating the invitation: “grab your things I’ve come to take you home.”
“When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
So I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my things they’ve come to take me home.”
Christians recognise that Jesus has an often different way to this world. There is an illusion in this life of who has power. The dance of true freedom is beyond the rules, mores and etiquette of the dust of the Earth. At the end of the song Peter finds the courage from his spiritual experience to say who he really is and act that way. It is a tremendous physical, spiritual and intellectual release, “My heart going boom, boom, boom.”
But you also notice, the last line has changed: “Hey, I said, you can keep my things they’ve come to take me home.”
Peter at the end does not even grab his things to be taken home. He gives them away and heads off to his new life. And then, as I said earlier, the whole experience overwhelms him and he is wracked in an explosion of joyous noises and shouts. But it is speaking in tongues we understand because of what has been said earlier.
To my mind the music and arrangement of this song linked with its words are a wonderful exposition of the Holy Spirit at work in our contemporary world. The song is a great way of showing non-Christians and Christians the epiphany like engagement, challenges and changes that the Holy Spirit works in our lives. The Nature of the Holy Spirit is to light us up, to give us the tool by which we access all the gifts God has created in us.
Ok, so I confess… I’m a kid of the late 90’s and early 00’s that meant I was brought up on a healthy diet of skater rock and nu metal. And now it is my joy to share these passions with you! One song I particularly want to share is this absolute classic from Linkin Park, which was probably one of the most listened to tracks of my youth… for many angsty teenage reasons!
I used to think this song captured well the struggles I had with my relationship with God and my parents who were heavily involved in church leadership. I was acutely aware as a teen of who I thought I was meant to be, and how any failures to fulfil that model of sonship (both natural and spiritual) would reflect badly both on God and my parents. I couldn’t take that pressure but often internalized it or handled it poorly (classic 15 year old!). This song was an outlet for my angry objections and inner distress:
Tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
I had a deep sense in myself that ‘every step that I [took] was another mistake.’ That I couldn’t do things right, couldn’t live up to the ideal I felt I had to. Alongside this, I was wrestling with my own charismatic upbringing and trying to understand why I didn’t always ‘feel God’ – something that had made me feel more guilt and resentment:
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
This song doesn’t have a happy ending. There is no shift in mood, no resolution, no hope. It just is what it is; a pained outpouring of emotion.
I still love this song as an adult – partly for the nostalgia, but also because I now hear it from a different place. I used to think my angry wrestling with God was part of my problem. I was being faithless, a failure, a let down. I’ve learned over time though that wrestling with God is very much at the heart of the identity of God’s people.
Israel the man literally had that fight. Israel the nation metaphorically had it for centuries. Abraham is the epitome of the untrusting follower and is the Father of covenantal community. Elijah is the epitome of the angsty God-follower and the greatest of the prophets. Peter is the epitome of the confused, over-zealous screw-up and the rock upon which the church has been built.
I like this song because it still expresses how I feel at times, but I no longer believe I am inadequate for these feelings. In fact I feel I’m very much faithfully continuing in my tradition. Much like the Psalms of anger, lament and confusion, as I express these very real emotions I am worshipping.
And, unlike the way this songs ends, I no longer believe that that leaves God disappointed. Rather, I believe it moves their hearts and invokes their compassion. So oddly, this rather angsty song from my youth invokes some rather treasured thoughts… gotta love a bit of redemption right?!
There’s a ripple of excitement as I write this Friday Fix – excitement about ‘The Great Conjunction’ or ‘The Star of Bethlehem’ that has appeared in our skies as Jupiter and Saturn align to create a bright, shining star. This ‘star’ should be with us throughout the 12 Days of Christmas fading away on the 6th or 7th of January. Perfect timing for not only the classic rendering of ‘Nativity’ stories but for Epiphany celebrations coming up.
There are so many lyrics in this song from Ash that have Christ-like and biblical connotations – not least the Epiphany.
A constellation once seen Over royal David’s city An epiphany you burn so pretty Yeah, you are a shining light
Having just travelled through the season of Advent where we’ve watched, waited and held on to the Light, the birth of Jesus and the Visit of the Magi catapults light and life into our dark winter days. We still have the journey to continue but we’re reminded that God is with us – that Jesus is God Incarnate – and that we can garner strength and hope from this knowledge.
You are a force, you are a constant source Yeah, you are a shining light Incandescent in the darkest night Yeah, you are a shining light
And while we might be focusing on the story of the birth and childhood of Jesus at the moment, we know that he grows up and by adolescence is asking questions and provoking thoughts and feelings in the adults around him.
By the time he is a young Rabbi, people are listening and wondering who this person is. His questions and teaching galvanise his followers and agitate those in authority – and they still do today.
You have always been a thorn in their side But to me you’re a shining light
I still find it amazing that over 2000 years later, we are still stirred and excited by the shining light that Jesus is – and that by following the example that he set, we can share that light and bring change to our world and the lives of others.
“In the beginning the Word already existed; the Word was with God, and the Word was God. From the very beginning the Word was with God. Through him God made all things; not one thing in all creation was made without him. The Word was the source of life, and this life brought light to people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.” (John 1: 1-5 GNT)
I feel reassured and ready for 2021 knowing that I have this shining light to guide me. I hope you do too. Happy New Year!
The Friday Fix 