Anne writes
Music is incredibly emotive and can transport you back in time in an instant. It has the power to lift your mood, make you nostalgic or make you cry.
My story takes me back 13 years to a most difficult time in my life. My mother had just died of cancer and I was struggling with life. She was most organised and spared us many of the overwhelming decisions that you have to make following the death of a loved one.
She had almost written her own funeral service all that was left for us to do was to find pictures of her for a running powerpoint to be seen before the service started. As I sifted through the photos, I listened to lots of melancholy music as it suited my mood.
I don’t even know how I came to it but I found this song by Kate Bush. Her voice has always been mystical and haunting and the beginning of this song is just beautiful and simple. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. The song is actually about a man who is waiting for his wife to give birth and thinking about life before this enormous change in his life but to me the words took on a different meaning,
‘Pray God you can cope…… now starts the craft of the Father’ – for me this was me speaking to her as she left us and we entrusted her to God’s care.
‘I know you’ve got a little life in you yet
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left’ – this was me imploring her not to give up but to stay with us for a bit longer. Selfish I know because she was ready to go.
‘I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show
I should be hoping, but I can’t stop thinking’ – this was me trying to be brave but failing.
‘Of all the things I should’ve said
That I never said
All the things we should’ve done
Though we never did
All the things I should’ve given
But I didn’t
Oh, darling, make it go
Make it go away’ – all my regrets at missed opportunities and things that were said that we didn’t mean or things that weren’t said that we should have said. Please God take away this hurt. It’s too hard.
‘Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand’ – I just didn’t want to face what my life would be like without my biggest supporter, my listening ear and my reassurance when I was questioning.
This song was played on a loop as it gave me permission to cry. It reached deep down and touched parts that nothing else could reach.
As time passed, I came to need it less and less and I forgot about it until one afternoon at my best friend’s house. We were binge watching ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ and it was at the beginning of a particularly harrowing scene where the Handmaids were facing certain death.
All of sudden the familiar introduction played over the top of this scene and it completely took my breath away. I couldn’t watch the events unfolding alongside this special song so we had to watch on mute. This is particularly surprising because I am notorious for not noticing background music and lyrics to songs but this one still had that power and impact.
This song has such an effect on me that even writing about it has made me cry and I’m not even listening to it. Thank you Kate Bush. My interpretation of your words and your haunting voice and melody bring back feelings that I thought were gone but it just goes to prove that you don’t recover from the death of someone you love you just get better at living with the loss. I love you Mum and always will.
You can find out much more about Kate Bush here http://www.katebush.com/
