‘Numb’ by Linkin Park

Michael writes:

WARNING: NU METAL ALERT!

Ok, so I confess… I’m a kid of the late 90’s and early 00’s that meant I was brought up on a healthy diet of skater rock and nu metal. And now it is my joy to share these passions with you! One song I particularly want to share is this absolute classic from Linkin Park, which was probably one of the most listened to tracks of my youth… for many angsty teenage reasons!

I used to think this song captured well the struggles I had with my relationship with God and my parents who were heavily involved in church leadership. I was acutely aware as a teen of who I thought I was meant to be, and how any failures to fulfil that model of sonship (both natural and spiritual) would reflect badly both on God and my parents. I couldn’t take that pressure but often internalized it or handled it poorly (classic 15 year old!). This song was an outlet for my angry objections and inner distress:

Tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don’t know what you’re expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I had a deep sense in myself that ‘every step that I [took] was another mistake.’ That I couldn’t do things right, couldn’t live up to the ideal I felt I had to. Alongside this, I was wrestling with my own charismatic upbringing and trying to understand why I didn’t always ‘feel God’ – something that had made me feel more guilt and resentment:

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there

Become so tired so much more aware

I’m becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

This song doesn’t have a happy ending. There is no shift in mood, no resolution, no hope. It just is what it is; a pained outpouring of emotion.

I still love this song as an adult – partly for the nostalgia, but also because I now hear it from a different place. I used to think my angry wrestling with God was part of my problem. I was being faithless, a failure, a let down. I’ve learned over time though that wrestling with God is very much at the heart of the identity of God’s people.

Israel the man literally had that fight. Israel the nation metaphorically had it for centuries. Abraham is the epitome of the untrusting follower and is the Father of covenantal community. Elijah is the epitome of the angsty God-follower and the greatest of the prophets. Peter is the epitome of the confused, over-zealous screw-up and the rock upon which the church has been built.

I like this song because it still expresses how I feel at times, but I no longer believe I am inadequate for these feelings. In fact I feel I’m very much faithfully continuing in my tradition. Much like the Psalms of anger, lament and confusion, as I express these very real emotions I am worshipping.

And, unlike the way this songs ends, I no longer believe that that leaves God disappointed. Rather, I believe it moves their hearts and invokes their compassion. So oddly, this rather angsty song from my youth invokes some rather treasured thoughts… gotta love a bit of redemption right?!

Find out more about Linkin Park at http://www.linkinpark.com